I admit that

Seems the more you talk about something, the easier it is to deal with. I thought about not writing another post on the subject, but right now I just need whatever will help.

The day I haven't looked forward to came yesterday. If I've learned anything valuable up until this point in my life, it's that life never turns out exactly how you may have planned it. Something I wish I could say about myself would be that I'm perfectly fine with being alone. I'm not though. I admit I need someone I can look up to so I can grow and learn from them. And I have had that blessing and I always will. The wounds are fresh and they sting. My heart aches. With time I'll be full again. I just sometimes wish I hadn't grown so attached to something I knew all along would disappear. But it was worth all the time we had together. Had it not been so, we wouldn't have been so close.

"It's not goodbye, but a see you later alligator. We love you." 

Even though this happened a week earlier than was originally planned, it was almost as if it was meant to be this way. It made me appreciate the short time we did have left. On monday harmony and I hiked Kanarra falls with the summer ward. It was weird seeing all different people. Tuesday I helped harmony tackle the first part of packing up. I brought a bunch of boxes and bags and we got to work til I had to go into my shift. That part was hard. (Mel was hanging out with Jon at the time). Wednesday we literally spent the entire day in St. G shopping for mission clothes. From 10am to 9pm. Yeah it was exhausting. But I feel like that was our last trip to St. G we would ever take. Maybe not.

Me and Melody. 

Thursday was a particular difficult day. That was when I really had some breakdowns b/c I knew that the last day I had with them in Cedar was tomorrow. I spent most of my day in my room just feeling sad, I hate to admit. I got called and we did go to Christensen's where they were able to buy another pair of mission shoes. I went in to work that night feeling much better up until we closed. Reality was setting in.

Yesterday Harm called me at 11 am with the news that their dad was coming in an hour. I thought that was it. I didn't even see it coming b/c the plan was that they were leaving in the evening. I had this whole thing planned that we'd go have fun one last time but that all changed. I didn't even get ready and went down there as quickly as I could. In fact, none of us got ready. Mel had just woken up when we found all this out. I helped them pack up/clean some more even after their parents came. And I honestly thought that would be it. Then their dad asked what I was doing for the rest of the day and I just said I had the day off. I got invited to go to lunch and the movie with them to my complete surprise.

Any guesses what we went and saw?

Lunch at Chill's and then to watch The Man of Steel. <3 What an awesome movie! It was  pretty long with a good story line and tons and tons of action. Henry Cavill........marry me? Hahahahaha. Seriously though. He and Luke Bryan have a special place in my heart. So I hung out with them and their family with no shower or make up for basically the entire day. I cannot tell you the last time I didn't have a shower for an entire day. It was alright b/c we all did it together. In the picture you can't hardly even tell. Come time to say goodbye, or rather, see ya later, I was okay. Didn't break down til I started driving away. I played "The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert b/c it felt appropriate to me.

I want to shout out to my mom and say thank you for putting up with all of us the past few months. And also for last night b/c I was kind of a wreck. I got her converted to the Hunger Games guys!!! It was on TV.

All I need to do now is pick myself up and address my needs. I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have my beliefs with me and have the knowledge that there is a God who made life as we know it. He knows. He understands all needs and desires. He is well aware of our situations. We will not be left alone. *smiles through teary eyes.*

I admit that the day I go to the farewell will be one of my hardest. Then it will be the goodbye. Maybe not, but perhaps a see you later. I'm so proud of them though. I want to follow in their footsteps and serve my own mission. I do have my patriarchal blessing and it does happen to mention that I will have the privilege of saving the souls of men. I feel like I need to grow up even more than I have now. I'm not ready for that kind of change yet.